Conforming is for the weak. Free will is for the bold.

I'm not going to settle down.
Stability is boring.
Routine is suffocating.
Commitment is a silly concept for the gullible.
Cut out the drama, leave the fun.

If you're game, I'm game. Let's get it going.

Honesty is my weapon.

Trust no one, love no one and you will never get hurt. That seems to be a philosphy that I have been unconciously living by. Most people seem to have either an ulterior motive, or they just dont care enough. I think it's funny how the one person I think I should be able to trust and believe seems to be someone that I shouldn't. Words are said and expressed and yet actions counteract what those words should mean. I find myself fighting back and pushing away because how do I really know that I wont end up in the very position that I try so hard to protect myself from. There have been very few people in my life that I have been close to that haven’t hurt me either purposely or indirectly, yet more often than not its on purpose. Someone told me that I have a wall built around me. My subconscious protective barrier from the things in this world that could hurt me. A defense mechanism I developed as a young child and steadily strengthened as I grew up. It's tall and strong and at this point impenetrable. Every hurt and tear and betrayal added another brick. Every empty feeling, every desperate plea laid the mortor until it was too high for me to climb over and onto the other side. I do feel trapped by myself. I want to be open again, I want to trust. I don't remember how. I trust to an extent, I believe in people to an extent, I see the goodness and beauty in those around me and I envy their ability to believe in each other. I dont walk around like a paranoid delusion assuming everyone is out to get me. I just have a hard time understanding people's intentions and actions. I've been the target for so much misplaced angst and hate that I feel like a target board, blasted full of holes, each degredation another missle aimed at my body.

I do feel passion. I feel passion for the children I work with. I desperatly want to make their lives better and I trust them with all of my heart. Kids are the ones that I trust, they are the ones that need me because I need them. They are my comfort zone. I have this inner drive to make each one of their tiny lives amazing and help them be the kind of person I feel I am not; open trusting and loveing. I never want a child to be scared, to be fearful, to feel unloved. I want every child to feel important, to feel good enough. I worry to a point of anxiety that a child is unreachable and already gone. Perhaps it's because I know first hand how it feels...I know the damage emotional neglect and abuse can do to a psyche so fragile. I only pray that I can do good.