Ups & Downs.

My life over the past two weeks have been a series of ups and downs. Mostly downs. And because of this, I have been in a very negative state of mind. I've done my best to just push it aside and make the best of it. But, I can only do that for so long before my emotions finally get the best of me.

Do you ever feel like your life is a very beautiful, meticulous facade? That the you that the world sees is not the you, that you really are...Or maybe everyone really does see it, you are the one who is delusional, the one who doesn't see the real you. Oddly enough I just heard the word "no one will ever see you like I do" from the almost playing on my itunes...I dont really know what "reality" I am in. I know that as far as who I am...none of you have any damn idea. I've never tried to construct any particular version of myself for each of you. Lord knows I've never put that much effort into anything. I think I've just mastered the art of keeping myself at a comfortable distance. Im not going to begin trying to figure it out. But I know that I'm tired of acting. Tired of being the me that you want me to be. Lately I've been struggling, I've been fighting a battle I lose each day. And instead of understanding, I'm met with frustration .People don't want to hear me sad, dont want to hear me speak a negative word...dont want to know that I am not always 100% positive. Because I'm not supposed to. Mel is supposed to be HAPPY, Mel is supposed to always be strong, always be there to listen to your problems, but never have any of her own. Well guess what I'm human. And I'm sick of being treated like a leper those few times I allow myself to feel like you all tell me you feel each and every day. If you knew, you'd understand. You'd stop getting upset with me when I complain for a few days because things aren't going awesome. You'd stop brushing off my obvious yet quiet cries for help. You'd hear me. You'd see that I need you too...I can't just be what you need. Listening to your words, drying your tears, helping you come to a solution brings me so much joy I couldn't even begin to explain. But, sometimes I need help too. You only see the positive version of me because to let you see more makes me vunerable, and I'm sorry, but I refuse to do that. And there's no wonder. When I get flack for a few days of being a Nancy...why the hell would I ever let myself be more real around you. I hate being negative, I despise wallowing. But it happens sometimes, I try to keep it to myself as much as I can. But it comes out sometimes, because sometimes I just want to be mad and sad and whiney and a bitch. Sometimes I have problems. Sometimes I just want to be less than shiny. Who am I kidding? I think the one person I'm mad at the most in all of this, is myself. I did this. I created a persona that is what you see. I made it confusing to see anything different. I could be open, I could tell you my fears, my addictions, my battles. But I dont. I keep it in and I play my little part. And I think that makes me feel worse than any social scorn could ever. But I was the victim my entire life. And while I still feel it, I don't want to be seen as it. I want to be understood, but I dont want to be seen in those eyes...as a "poor thing" or like I'm fragile, or broken. I've been strong my entire life. I fought back when I was told to be quiet. I suffered because I would rather writher in pain, than lay in forfeit so to speak. I learned to be this was since day one, and I've never let that go. I laugh sometimes why I remember my mom saying "Melissa just be quiet....just shut up please!! just stop"and I was that defiant little thing who never backed down...who pushed buttons that weren't safe to push. I didn't give up without a fight. but I also never learned to be anything but that kid on the defensive. The little brat who protected herself because nobody else was willing to. The one who built walls of stone so sturdy not even she can knock them down. I try sometimes...but when I let myself get to feeling...it's weird, it's overwhelming and it's unfamiliar. What's a girl to do? I don't even know what the point of this was. I think it was more for me to vent than for you to gain any actual understanding of me. Because what you need to know, I'll probably never tell you. I'd rather be one of the "anonymous", my gallant protector, and the vulnerable princess all wrapped up behind a wall of mossy stone.

After all of the nonsense that has happened over the past two weeks, losing friendships I once held dear, a sudden realization as to who I can truely count on, and my Uncles current state of health, I was hoping that this roadtrip to Bamboozle/Boston was going to be the perfect remedy. But, now I'm not so sure I even want to go anymore.

life is about trusting your feelings & taking chances;

losing & finding happiness;

appreciating the memories & learning from the pain;

while realizing people always change.

the road to happiness seems far too long.

Safety Bar.

Fingers clasp and teenage misidentities collapse into an annual disguise.

The ferris wheel makes lovers feel like love is surely something real,

and the fireworks in the sky they match the fireworks in her eyes.

As he kisses hard, she grabs his arm, she's reaching for the safety bar.

It's the closest thing to life they've felt so far.

It's the closest thing to life they've felt so far.

Conforming is for the weak. Free will is for the bold.

I'm not going to settle down.
Stability is boring.
Routine is suffocating.
Commitment is a silly concept for the gullible.
Cut out the drama, leave the fun.

If you're game, I'm game. Let's get it going.

Honesty is my weapon.

Trust no one, love no one and you will never get hurt. That seems to be a philosphy that I have been unconciously living by. Most people seem to have either an ulterior motive, or they just dont care enough. I think it's funny how the one person I think I should be able to trust and believe seems to be someone that I shouldn't. Words are said and expressed and yet actions counteract what those words should mean. I find myself fighting back and pushing away because how do I really know that I wont end up in the very position that I try so hard to protect myself from. There have been very few people in my life that I have been close to that haven’t hurt me either purposely or indirectly, yet more often than not its on purpose. Someone told me that I have a wall built around me. My subconscious protective barrier from the things in this world that could hurt me. A defense mechanism I developed as a young child and steadily strengthened as I grew up. It's tall and strong and at this point impenetrable. Every hurt and tear and betrayal added another brick. Every empty feeling, every desperate plea laid the mortor until it was too high for me to climb over and onto the other side. I do feel trapped by myself. I want to be open again, I want to trust. I don't remember how. I trust to an extent, I believe in people to an extent, I see the goodness and beauty in those around me and I envy their ability to believe in each other. I dont walk around like a paranoid delusion assuming everyone is out to get me. I just have a hard time understanding people's intentions and actions. I've been the target for so much misplaced angst and hate that I feel like a target board, blasted full of holes, each degredation another missle aimed at my body.

I do feel passion. I feel passion for the children I work with. I desperatly want to make their lives better and I trust them with all of my heart. Kids are the ones that I trust, they are the ones that need me because I need them. They are my comfort zone. I have this inner drive to make each one of their tiny lives amazing and help them be the kind of person I feel I am not; open trusting and loveing. I never want a child to be scared, to be fearful, to feel unloved. I want every child to feel important, to feel good enough. I worry to a point of anxiety that a child is unreachable and already gone. Perhaps it's because I know first hand how it feels...I know the damage emotional neglect and abuse can do to a psyche so fragile. I only pray that I can do good.