a revelation.

Somehow I feel like I've lost myself somewhere along the way. not in a dramatic sense, but in the most honest of ways. I'm still very much...me...but sometimes it's a me I dont recognize. A me run by someone else. A moment that flashes in my head quite often is from a time when my cousin and I were looking at pictures of me from when I turned 20. She remarked that those pictures didn't even look like me. I took a little offense, even though none was intended. I didn't take offense because she was trying to be mean, she wasn't. It was just one of those times where you've secretly thought the same and didn't want to know that anyone else did too. I know why I don't look the same. I know it every time I look in the mirror. Every time I realize I don't look like how I used to. Every time I feel disconnected in the mirror. It's not because I don't like what I see...because I do. I just know that it's not me, because I transpose the image with how I used to be. Something took over in me. Something that has my spirit a little trapped, that has quieted my energy. It scares me sometimes because I didn't realize it had happened. Everything I've been frustrated with has been because of this, whatever it is. Im so damn sick of it I could scream. So damn tired of saying I'm sick of it. So fed up with my own excuses and my own issues. Get over it already! As crazy as it may sound...this gives me hope. Because I know that this isnt who I am, and this isn't going to be who I stay.

This isn't the little girl who had the most vivid imagination imaginable.

This isn't the girl who would take on anyone, without fear.

This isn't the girl who defied the the bully and never backed down.

This isn't the girl who dreamed bigger than her world.

This isn't the girl who came and went with lightness in each step.

This isn't the girl who did things...just did them when the feelling struck.

This isn't the girl who could talk to anyone for hours and won over every "enemy" shes ever had.

This isn't the girl who wasn't afraid, didn't avoid, wasn't stifled.

This just isn't me.

I've realized that now. I've realized that who I've let myself become is not who I am meant to be. Not who I was born to be. My spirit goes far beyond the limitations this has put on me. It's why I've felt so conflicted within myself. I'm in there. I'm fighting to get out. I can't hide my heart and my happiness. But I've let fear try to destroy everything. Destroy isn't the right word, but I just like the dramatic effect it adds. And it's stupid, its very...very silly. I've been inconsistent, distant, unreliable and probably dishonest. I don't know, I kind of just gave in there for a while. I'm not sure why, or how I allowed myself to go there. I can't say I wont go there again. I can say now that I've snapped back into reality that I'm going to give myself a chance. Someone called me out last night as said "for someone who seemingly loves sunshine, and other people you sure spend a lot of time inside with the TV spouting out quotes and blah blah blah". this made me angry, mainly because they were right. Sometimes you just need someone to call you on your nonsense. Sometimes you just have to get over yourself. Sometimes you just need to get your damn head out of the sand and open your eyes to everything that is around you and rejoice in how amazing that is.

My life is amazing.

I have just about everything a girl could need or want, and when I find a new want..I have the means and the ability to go after it. What's to be afraid of? I love the person I used to be. And the person I realize I still am. You can't hide who you really are, it's always bound to get out. I kind of stopped fighting for myself.  Which is a shame, because im really starting to appreciate what I've got to fight for. I like who I am. And when I let myself forget about all of that fear and nonsense...I get to be myself 100% and my life is back to amazing.

It's time to start wiping the grim off the windows....

let the sunshine in,

and let me...shine out.