a revelation.

Somehow I feel like I've lost myself somewhere along the way. not in a dramatic sense, but in the most honest of ways. I'm still very much...me...but sometimes it's a me I dont recognize. A me run by someone else. A moment that flashes in my head quite often is from a time when my cousin and I were looking at pictures of me from when I turned 20. She remarked that those pictures didn't even look like me. I took a little offense, even though none was intended. I didn't take offense because she was trying to be mean, she wasn't. It was just one of those times where you've secretly thought the same and didn't want to know that anyone else did too. I know why I don't look the same. I know it every time I look in the mirror. Every time I realize I don't look like how I used to. Every time I feel disconnected in the mirror. It's not because I don't like what I see...because I do. I just know that it's not me, because I transpose the image with how I used to be. Something took over in me. Something that has my spirit a little trapped, that has quieted my energy. It scares me sometimes because I didn't realize it had happened. Everything I've been frustrated with has been because of this, whatever it is. Im so damn sick of it I could scream. So damn tired of saying I'm sick of it. So fed up with my own excuses and my own issues. Get over it already! As crazy as it may sound...this gives me hope. Because I know that this isnt who I am, and this isn't going to be who I stay.

This isn't the little girl who had the most vivid imagination imaginable.

This isn't the girl who would take on anyone, without fear.

This isn't the girl who defied the the bully and never backed down.

This isn't the girl who dreamed bigger than her world.

This isn't the girl who came and went with lightness in each step.

This isn't the girl who did things...just did them when the feelling struck.

This isn't the girl who could talk to anyone for hours and won over every "enemy" shes ever had.

This isn't the girl who wasn't afraid, didn't avoid, wasn't stifled.

This just isn't me.

I've realized that now. I've realized that who I've let myself become is not who I am meant to be. Not who I was born to be. My spirit goes far beyond the limitations this has put on me. It's why I've felt so conflicted within myself. I'm in there. I'm fighting to get out. I can't hide my heart and my happiness. But I've let fear try to destroy everything. Destroy isn't the right word, but I just like the dramatic effect it adds. And it's stupid, its very...very silly. I've been inconsistent, distant, unreliable and probably dishonest. I don't know, I kind of just gave in there for a while. I'm not sure why, or how I allowed myself to go there. I can't say I wont go there again. I can say now that I've snapped back into reality that I'm going to give myself a chance. Someone called me out last night as said "for someone who seemingly loves sunshine, and other people you sure spend a lot of time inside with the TV spouting out quotes and blah blah blah". this made me angry, mainly because they were right. Sometimes you just need someone to call you on your nonsense. Sometimes you just have to get over yourself. Sometimes you just need to get your damn head out of the sand and open your eyes to everything that is around you and rejoice in how amazing that is.

My life is amazing.

I have just about everything a girl could need or want, and when I find a new want..I have the means and the ability to go after it. What's to be afraid of? I love the person I used to be. And the person I realize I still am. You can't hide who you really are, it's always bound to get out. I kind of stopped fighting for myself.  Which is a shame, because im really starting to appreciate what I've got to fight for. I like who I am. And when I let myself forget about all of that fear and nonsense...I get to be myself 100% and my life is back to amazing.

It's time to start wiping the grim off the windows....

let the sunshine in,

and let me...shine out.

are you SERIOUS?!

June 11th-13th 2008: Stephanie, Katy, Caitlin and I took a little road trip to Augusta, GA to see my JS boys, Jimmy, and Matt and Josh of EA. 

this basically sums it up:

Sparks. Ringpops. Sing-a-longs. Just Surrender. Every Avenue. The motorcycle story. Gas stations hating us. Creepy men. Being locked in bathrooms. Candles. "Scene" Pics. Steph's Rainbow song. stolen toilet paper. Stolen "employees must wash hands" sign. patron Candle in boots no pants. Temporary Tattoos and me buying all of them until I got LIPS Gas Station Lady:"sorry, I can't give you any more quarters". Georgia shot glasses. Farewell sing-a-long/the Caleb dance. "Hi my name is Brian I like to skateboard...". Caitlin and I's semi-matching necklaces. Sticky phone pads. Being creepy pedophiles and stalking 17yr olds on the side of the road. Shut Up and GO TO SLEEP! broken AC & switching rooms. Katy the Human Alarm Clock. Bag of Sunglasses. Buttery Nipple Shots that I was so excited for and never got [Matt at least asked]. Katy's yellow tail wine that had a short lived life. Gangs of New York. Cheap wine openers. 99 Apples. SoCo. Stupid pizza people. oops we're in South Carolina! Caitlin and I taking two hours to pick up the boys. Jimmy:"Hey, did you guys hear I fucked Mel 4 times in Boston?!" Me: "yeah, I was walking like a duck". Jay:"if I had a kid with no arms or legs, I'd name it Roly Poly Oly. Caitlin: "stop making me laugh. when I laugh I get chink eyes" Josh:"I'm offended by that". Matt our personal GPS system. Matt's phone chord belt. TOO MANY SHOTS. Josh and Jay because of my handle of soco: "Mel we love you. GROUP HUG!" The pool. Heart to hearts with Josh at the pool. Jay getting me soaking wet for teasing him. Josh is a whore, Josh and I sharing cups of soco. Jay and Jimmy and the blow dryers. Jay blow drying my ass/crotch for getting me soaking wet. Jay:"mel, this is the best blow job you'll ever get!" Applying the temporary tattoos. tit tats. Josh eagerly applying my tattoo on my boob. Josh broke the wine bottle. Josh and I and the bathroom incident. Katy biting Matt's leg, Me getting way too drunk and sick and locking myself in the bathroom and not making to the show. Caitlin taking good care of me. blacking out. everyone squeezing into the car. late to the venue. Britney Spears. Katy:"Where's my camera, Where's my cell phone". Singing the beatles in the parking lot. Katy stealing someone's hoodie. Harrison asking Stephanie where I was. You Me and Everyone We Know. Katy Being cut off and then the decision being reversed. Matt and Josh and their Boxed Wine. I HATE TAYLOR SWIFT. Old School Nintendo. Spin the bottle aka suck the nipple. Me walking out of the bathroom to a very disturbing incident: "are you SERIOUS?!" Me:"I can't do it, it's MATT". Random walk ins during the "game". Mark walking in and declaring he will kiss everyone in the room, kisses everyone, as I sit there in shock after he kisses me: "WHO is that?!" TML MATTT! minus Harrison. more heart to hearts with Josh. Josh forcing me to drink the boxed wine:"I'm cuter when you're drunk""you're cuter when you don't talk". Josh and I's wrestling match. Dan walking in "Mel, what are you doing? getting friskyyy!". long walks with Josh to find a hot tub, Josh: "how's that tattoo of yours doing? I'm just CHECKING". Matt&Matt, How did we end up where we all did?! Old lady creeper lady called to complain about the noise. pillow talk. "I loveeee the palm tree". waking up to mysterious bruises. Josh "haha mmmmmm" in his sleep. Matt throwing pizza at my head. Katy:"After this, if that doesn't make us Soulmates for life I don't know what would." Calling people to tell them of our adventures and listening to their priceless reactions. soooo stoked on Taking Back Sunday. plans for the next trips. "The drive of shame" while putting the pieces together. silence then be busting out shouting "OHHHHH MY GOD!", Steph..."what did you remember?!".

WE ARE FOREVER BONDED FROM THIS TRIP.

these three ladies own my heart.

Look again...

In a land far from anywhere anyone has ever been, full of things different than anything anyone has ever seen will lay a girl in a red dress, arms outstretched in the wildflowers. The mesmerizing gaze upon her face will call you to her. As she turns her back to go, you give chase, eager not to lose the vision before you. She smiles as she turns back to you, you catch her. You're filled with excitement as you relish in your victory. You follow her moves, as you give her the sleeve your heart is pinned to. She crafts a look of enjoyment, pure evil...as she wispers in your ear "This is the biggest mistake of your life..."

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

It's a simple 7 letter word that flows out of millions of mouths all over the world every day.

To some, it means everything and to others, it may mean nothing at all.

Then there are people like me. People like me who just don't understand the concept of "goodbye" at all.

Why do we have to say it? Does it make letting go easier? Is There even such a thing as a goodbye?

I recently lost someone I was once very close to. Someone I had known since I was very little. I was the little girl you see in movie who had the "boy next door" as my best friend. We went though everything together. From the days of scraped knees from playing to rough on the playground, when boys and girls had cooties. To the awkward adolescent stages, where you giggle about your first crush and first real kiss. To early adulthood, where you struggle with where exactly life may lead you. He was someone I knew I could always turn to. When I heard that he had been killed in a motorcycle accident, I felt a lump form in my throat and my eyes start to burn. I repeated the word "No" in my head until it started to sound completely ridiculous. How could he be gone? Why did we grow so distant over the past few years? Why hadn't I spent more time with him? And mainly, how do I say "goodbye"? More importantly, I kept asking myself WHY hadn't I gotten the opportunity to have that last goodbye. When it came down to it, I couldn't get the word out. I couldn't say it, because "goodbye" to me is so final.

Maybe you can relate.

Or maybe you've met someone in your life. Someone who completely stole your heart and ran with it in every direction. Even if you are like me and you put up walls, eventually there will be someone to break through it. Trust me. Maybe you will be happy. Maybe every time you are around them your palms get sweaty, or you get shaky, and when you see them your stomach feels hollow and empty. And your heart is caught somewhere between your nose and your throat. For some of us, this may be the hardest goodbye yet. For me, it was a goodbye I didn't even get to really say. Maybe this is a goodbye that symbolizes closure and moving on with life. So, I'm saying it now. I'm telling you goodbye.

So here it is...

Goodbyes.

Goodbye to a lover, a friend, a family member, a pet, a chapter in your life, a city, a certain place, or song.

Coming from someone who is more uncomfortable and squirmy with goodbyes than anyone you will ever meet. Find it in your heart to let go of things that linger in your head from day to day. Don't forget them. You never will, but recently I've learned that instead of looking at goodbyes in a negative way, you can view it more like you are taking an important part of your life and stashing it in its own little cubby hole in your heart.

Forgive, but don't forget.

Love, but be prepared to fight.

Live, but be ready to say goodbye.

hold on tight.

This past week has felt like how it feels riding up a roller coaster.

 before the first big dip...

you hear every squeak, vibrate with every bump,

 you feel your heart in your stomach, and you hold your breath in anticipation. 

I'm always anticipating.

Let us just hope that my cart doesn't fall of its track,

 because you cannot launch a lawsuit against life.

My boyfriend won!

So, this is probably going to be the lamest post I ever write, but words cannot express how stoked I am right now. David Cook won American Idol tonight! I've never been one to keep up with American Idol past the silly yet hilariously embarrassing auditions, but this year ever since I saw David Cook's audition, I was hooked. I feel bad for my dad and everyone for having to put up with me and my ridiculous obsession over the past few months. Last night I seriously called and voted like 20 times, and made my brother text and vote like 30 times since I don't have AT&T. It payed off though! During the finale I thought I was going to have a stroke from the anxiety I had due to the anticipation. As they were announcing the results my heart raced, and I found myself holding my breath. Tonight after the finale, my dad handed me an envelope with tickets to the American Idol Tour and preceded to tell me "I got them for you in case David Cook didn't win and you went into a deep depression.", seriously my dad is my favorite person in the world. Why is David Cook so incredibly gorgeous? GAH I can't stand it. hahaha...alright...I'm done with this nonsense before I embarrass myself even further. Although, I don't think that is possible at this point. The damage is already done. Whatever, I don't care! I love him and you will stop laughing when we're married and have amazingly good looking babies. BYE!

probably the most amazing commercial EVER.


my favorite performance.

on a side note, American Idol reportedly grossed 97.5 million votes for the final voting. if only America were that involved and passionate about our current Presidential Election.

Get informed.

Know the facts, and VOTE. it's your future, afterall.

Ups & Downs.

My life over the past two weeks have been a series of ups and downs. Mostly downs. And because of this, I have been in a very negative state of mind. I've done my best to just push it aside and make the best of it. But, I can only do that for so long before my emotions finally get the best of me.

Do you ever feel like your life is a very beautiful, meticulous facade? That the you that the world sees is not the you, that you really are...Or maybe everyone really does see it, you are the one who is delusional, the one who doesn't see the real you. Oddly enough I just heard the word "no one will ever see you like I do" from the almost playing on my itunes...I dont really know what "reality" I am in. I know that as far as who I am...none of you have any damn idea. I've never tried to construct any particular version of myself for each of you. Lord knows I've never put that much effort into anything. I think I've just mastered the art of keeping myself at a comfortable distance. Im not going to begin trying to figure it out. But I know that I'm tired of acting. Tired of being the me that you want me to be. Lately I've been struggling, I've been fighting a battle I lose each day. And instead of understanding, I'm met with frustration .People don't want to hear me sad, dont want to hear me speak a negative word...dont want to know that I am not always 100% positive. Because I'm not supposed to. Mel is supposed to be HAPPY, Mel is supposed to always be strong, always be there to listen to your problems, but never have any of her own. Well guess what I'm human. And I'm sick of being treated like a leper those few times I allow myself to feel like you all tell me you feel each and every day. If you knew, you'd understand. You'd stop getting upset with me when I complain for a few days because things aren't going awesome. You'd stop brushing off my obvious yet quiet cries for help. You'd hear me. You'd see that I need you too...I can't just be what you need. Listening to your words, drying your tears, helping you come to a solution brings me so much joy I couldn't even begin to explain. But, sometimes I need help too. You only see the positive version of me because to let you see more makes me vunerable, and I'm sorry, but I refuse to do that. And there's no wonder. When I get flack for a few days of being a Nancy...why the hell would I ever let myself be more real around you. I hate being negative, I despise wallowing. But it happens sometimes, I try to keep it to myself as much as I can. But it comes out sometimes, because sometimes I just want to be mad and sad and whiney and a bitch. Sometimes I have problems. Sometimes I just want to be less than shiny. Who am I kidding? I think the one person I'm mad at the most in all of this, is myself. I did this. I created a persona that is what you see. I made it confusing to see anything different. I could be open, I could tell you my fears, my addictions, my battles. But I dont. I keep it in and I play my little part. And I think that makes me feel worse than any social scorn could ever. But I was the victim my entire life. And while I still feel it, I don't want to be seen as it. I want to be understood, but I dont want to be seen in those eyes...as a "poor thing" or like I'm fragile, or broken. I've been strong my entire life. I fought back when I was told to be quiet. I suffered because I would rather writher in pain, than lay in forfeit so to speak. I learned to be this was since day one, and I've never let that go. I laugh sometimes why I remember my mom saying "Melissa just be quiet....just shut up please!! just stop"and I was that defiant little thing who never backed down...who pushed buttons that weren't safe to push. I didn't give up without a fight. but I also never learned to be anything but that kid on the defensive. The little brat who protected herself because nobody else was willing to. The one who built walls of stone so sturdy not even she can knock them down. I try sometimes...but when I let myself get to feeling...it's weird, it's overwhelming and it's unfamiliar. What's a girl to do? I don't even know what the point of this was. I think it was more for me to vent than for you to gain any actual understanding of me. Because what you need to know, I'll probably never tell you. I'd rather be one of the "anonymous", my gallant protector, and the vulnerable princess all wrapped up behind a wall of mossy stone.

After all of the nonsense that has happened over the past two weeks, losing friendships I once held dear, a sudden realization as to who I can truely count on, and my Uncles current state of health, I was hoping that this roadtrip to Bamboozle/Boston was going to be the perfect remedy. But, now I'm not so sure I even want to go anymore.

life is about trusting your feelings & taking chances;

losing & finding happiness;

appreciating the memories & learning from the pain;

while realizing people always change.

the road to happiness seems far too long.

Safety Bar.

Fingers clasp and teenage misidentities collapse into an annual disguise.

The ferris wheel makes lovers feel like love is surely something real,

and the fireworks in the sky they match the fireworks in her eyes.

As he kisses hard, she grabs his arm, she's reaching for the safety bar.

It's the closest thing to life they've felt so far.

It's the closest thing to life they've felt so far.

Conforming is for the weak. Free will is for the bold.

I'm not going to settle down.
Stability is boring.
Routine is suffocating.
Commitment is a silly concept for the gullible.
Cut out the drama, leave the fun.

If you're game, I'm game. Let's get it going.

Honesty is my weapon.

Trust no one, love no one and you will never get hurt. That seems to be a philosphy that I have been unconciously living by. Most people seem to have either an ulterior motive, or they just dont care enough. I think it's funny how the one person I think I should be able to trust and believe seems to be someone that I shouldn't. Words are said and expressed and yet actions counteract what those words should mean. I find myself fighting back and pushing away because how do I really know that I wont end up in the very position that I try so hard to protect myself from. There have been very few people in my life that I have been close to that haven’t hurt me either purposely or indirectly, yet more often than not its on purpose. Someone told me that I have a wall built around me. My subconscious protective barrier from the things in this world that could hurt me. A defense mechanism I developed as a young child and steadily strengthened as I grew up. It's tall and strong and at this point impenetrable. Every hurt and tear and betrayal added another brick. Every empty feeling, every desperate plea laid the mortor until it was too high for me to climb over and onto the other side. I do feel trapped by myself. I want to be open again, I want to trust. I don't remember how. I trust to an extent, I believe in people to an extent, I see the goodness and beauty in those around me and I envy their ability to believe in each other. I dont walk around like a paranoid delusion assuming everyone is out to get me. I just have a hard time understanding people's intentions and actions. I've been the target for so much misplaced angst and hate that I feel like a target board, blasted full of holes, each degredation another missle aimed at my body.

I do feel passion. I feel passion for the children I work with. I desperatly want to make their lives better and I trust them with all of my heart. Kids are the ones that I trust, they are the ones that need me because I need them. They are my comfort zone. I have this inner drive to make each one of their tiny lives amazing and help them be the kind of person I feel I am not; open trusting and loveing. I never want a child to be scared, to be fearful, to feel unloved. I want every child to feel important, to feel good enough. I worry to a point of anxiety that a child is unreachable and already gone. Perhaps it's because I know first hand how it feels...I know the damage emotional neglect and abuse can do to a psyche so fragile. I only pray that I can do good.